Metal Gear Not Included
by daylightsdelight
Summary: Our favorite soldier has earned a vacation. How will he use it? Second Chapter UP *Ideas welcomed!
1. False Hope

~Hmm, it's been a while. TOO long. I've had plenty of ideas, but none that would carry out to a full blown story. I need help with this, actually. I want at least a good 5 or 7 short fics. Any ideas are welcome. I have a 2nd chapter in mind, but eh. Still needs "umph".

Quite obviously, I own nothing. Except my sporadic thoughts.

Let's see how this goes...

* * *

A crisp breeze billows through jarred windows in this particular Manhattan loft in late fall. Tuesday morning to be exact, brings headlines in fine print of; upcoming shows and galleries for the artist at heart, international news of breakthrough advancements and entrepreneurs making billions or losing zillions in busy business days. Topped off with a hearty muffin and warm vanilla cappuccino with a hint of caramel.

A sigh escapes a warm breath of someone who showered and dressed quite casual for a relaxing day. Calloused hands grasp a cup of Joe and its soothing vitalization meets lips and engulfs the soul. Eyes close as pure joy captures and energizes. A light thud hits the table and shuffle of newspaper lands while the scuffle of a chair scoots back. Footsteps near the warmth of the morning sun from the window. Eyes peer down from the 7th floor upon the people living their routines.

A once tranquil look is replaced with a scour.

And a grunt.

"Damn it."

Hands shove fiercely into a pocket, reaches a phone and quickly dials a number. Anticipation mixed with rising anger while mentally counting three rings before the other end picks up.

"…David."

"…Hal."

A long pause.

"Otacon."

"Snake."

Another long pause.

After excruciating minutes of silence and exchange of names, our Legendary Mercenary's temper gets the best of him. Hands clenched into tight fits and shakes violently at his sides, he let out a growl.

"I've tried to do this mindless charade by prancing like a…like a…_civilian." _Snake spat out the word like hate and he shuddered. "I honestly can't continue this anymore. I. Hate. Being. _Normal_. Do you know what it's like? I have to be ordinary and do ordinary things. What is this lie? I thought I wanted this, but I can't take it. I NEED CARNAGE!"

Laughter is heard on the other end of the call. Snake stopped and arched his eyebrow in annoyance.

"Do you find amusement in my dismay?"

"No…No." Otacon was trying to calm his laughter. "It's just…that is really funny. I thought you didn't like the fighting. Is it because you're not in Alaska? You know, you need to be surrounded by people, not dogs. It isn't healthy for the human psyche."

Snake clenched his teeth. "My psyche is just fine. Since when did you get a doctorate in diagnosing _me_ of all people? That is just absurd. Or wait, did you hack—"

"Snake?"

"Otacon?" An angered grunt replied.

"I haven't found anything new yet. And I don't think we should discuss our personal matters over the phone. Just get some rest and enjoy your vacation, okay?"

"Wait, Otacon!—"

The line went dead and Snake is in disbelief. Did he just hang up on him? Did his so called _best friend _tell him to suck it up and wait for intel? Well, not verbatim, but almost.

Now what was he supposed to do? He can't take the open air of a peaceful Tuesday morning in Manhattan like a normal New Yorker. He missed the terrains of Alaska, the blissful serenity, wildlife, his home, and his _kids._

Gosh.

Otacon was right. He treats his dogs as humans.

"Well, they are…Ugh."

He set his phone on the table and sat down again. He rested his chin on his palm while gazing out forlornly at nothing worthwhile. The great Legendary Mercenary, reduced to this? Waiting for action?

That isn't a good sign.


	2. Assembly Required

I'M NOT DEAD. I apologize for the horrid timing. I know I'm uber late. Blame the stuff.

Expect a chapter next week, I promise. BTW, thanks for ideas and reading. Thanks so much :)

P.S. – long chapter :D

* * *

"Just what the _hell _am I going to do?"

At this rate, Snake would make the floor collapse from all his pacing. An hour since he last spoke to his best friend, whom he was mentally cursing at the moment; he still hasn't found something to preoccupy his time.

This scene is reminiscent as he grumbles to and fro, on the verge of freaking out and doing the unthinkable. He spots the clock and his eye twitches when it sees it is merely eleven o' nine in the morning. His anger getting the best of him, he whips out his SOCOM pistol from thin air and proceeds to shoot the clock, only to find that his bullets are replaced with: Nerf foam darts.

Aghast, flabbergasted and a look of "What the crap?" all blended in someone who mask these emotions so well.

"Really now, _Nerf darts? THE FOAMY KIND? _What am I, A CHILD?"

He raised his hand to calm himself, and sighed. This wasn't helping. His anger is on constant edge. He has been deprived of his addiction; the thrill of death, the chills of not knowing what's going to happen next. Yanked away from all the fighting, he lost interest in smoking. Yes. His cigs do not bring him tranquility; not even if it means getting his kicks annoying Naomi about them.

A saddened remnant of a soldier, his toy has been tampered with. _Do I still have the right to be called a man?_ He dragged himself to the living room couch and collapsed on top of it. Fixing himself onto his back, he rested his arm over his eyes. Attempting to sleep and fight off boredom, if only his nervous ticks would calm down.

"Dave? You there?"

A young female's voice calls out. She raps on the door a few times before trying the handle. Only to be surprised to see it swing open once touched lightly. Befuddled, she stands at the doorway for a second, taking in what just happened.

"Uhm, David? You know your door is so easily opened. I think you should get that fixed sometime soon."

She says while walking in and taking off her shoes. She appears in the living room and notices the house….clean. Spotless. Neat like a woman's touch. She pursed her lips trying to calm her jealous thoughts. She wasn't that type of woman and he wasn't that type of man.

"Why do I sense something…off?" She says out loud.

Snake exhales and sneaks a peek at the red-head, standing in front of him, emitting an aura of confusion and cooling jealousy.

"Hey Meryl. _Nothing_ is wrong. Everything…is _freaking_ _peachy_." He replies through gritted teeth.

A quick snort escapes her stature and she puts her hand in front of her mouth. She has _never_ heard Snake speak that way. That manner is so unlike him.

"Oh really? Alright. Well, mind explaining why the door is so easily opened then? I thought you were all about secrecy and stealth?"

He shifts his weight and holds his breath. And mumbled his reply quickly.

"What? I couldn't catch that."

"So I can…tempt a robber and get some action…"

Meryl gave him a deadpan stare. She must've heard wrong, right?

"David. What you just said doesn't make any sense. You've been asking for a normal life, and yet you want to attract the thing you hate most. Are you bipolar?"

At this, Snake kicks his feet over to the floor and sits up, glaring at Meryl. While her amusement is growing, Meryl puts her hands on her hips to listen to his…dilemma.

"Listen _you_. I am NOT bipolar. Okay? This is all Otacon's fault, not mine. I was fine. I didn't ask to be put here on _vacation _and play civilian. I don't like it. I miss Alaska. I LOVE NATURE!"

At that, she held her stomach and doubled over laughing. Snake facepalmed and let out an annoyed groan.

"Oh man." She wiped her tears away, but new ones formed quickly. "I didn't believe it when Emmerich told me. I thought he was joking. But to hear it directly from YOU?" She continued her fit of laughter.

"Otacon….told you….and made fun of my situation? That no good, _damned,_ bastard."

"Just out of curiosity, how did you get your house so clean? Did you hire a maid?"

He just shook his head. And pointed at himself.

Meryl resumed her gut-throbbing laughter. Snake cleaning? Sure, he cleaned. But he didn't clean like he had OCD. Meryl took on that job, when she was living with him.

"If you're done laughing at my sorrow, then leave. I have enough to deal with."

"Ah…" Meryl got the last laugh out of her system and went to sit beside him. She looked at him with apologetic eyes. He glanced her way and ran his fingers through his hair. "Okay. I'm sorry. It's just so…_rare and abnormal_ to see you act this way. I had no clue this was being hard on you."

Snake scoffed and looked in the opposite direction. "Well, here I am now. Diminished before your very eyes. Not so much of a strong companion I once was, am I?"

Meryl shook her head and punched Snake in the arm. "Wow. You need to lighten up. I thought my being here would make you happy. Anyways, I _did _come here with a purpose. I thought, since you were in your predicament, we could go someplace exciting!" She said with a big grin. At this, Snake was a bit intrigued. And skeptical; they both had different meanings of exciting. And his….well, it didn't include laughing manically in the face of death anytime soon.

* * *

"Well, here we are! The beach is a wonderful idea. And relaxing too." Meryl turned around and faced Snake, with a closed-eye smile. He gave her a small smirk and tried his best to be _chipper_, for both their sakes.

"Not to cloud up your sunshine, but…you know it _is _fall time. It can get nippy." Snake forced his shiver and rubbed his arm. She rolled her eyes, not being moved by his remark. "Remember, this is for your own good. I just came along for the ride." She placed her hands on her hips. He tilted his head and narrowed his gaze. "About that…"

"What?"

"You gave up your assignment, just to come here. I could've easily-"

"NO." She smiled sweetly. "You need to get away from that for a while. And we can use this opportunity to spend time together. I've been a bit busy with the force, and well, I rather be the civilian you so hate."

He was about to begin again but was force to discontinue when she held up her hand. "You can come next time when it's a dire project. But as of right now, it's your time to adjust."

Snake let out a sigh. "Alright. And when exactly did we have a _second 'headquarters'_?"

"Since forever. Where have you be-oh. Let's just go. You'll like it and maybe blend in so well!" She pulled him on to their destination.

The salty air. The chirping seagulls. The boardwalk crowded with people and vendors. The beach was surprisingly crowded this time of year. Our not-so-silent mercenary was a mixture of emotions, but feeling a bit…hopeful. This could be the distraction he needed.

They arrived at a…beach house. Just a few miles away from the local shore, with palm trees and a random cactus here and there. The place looked like a traditional Tiki Hut, but somehow stable enough to withstand anything. Meryl approached the door and unlocked it and invited Snake to come inside.

"Well? Have a look for yourself. The guys over at Foxhound really like this place, so there's plenty of room." She headed in and Snake followed suit.

After seeing his red-headed companion disappear through a door of the house, his instincts take over and the Legend emerges. Sneaking around the place, the espionage scouts out his perimeters, starting with the kitchen first. He approaches the refrigerator door with caution then fully opens it. Deli meats, yogurts, juice and milk cartons, fruits and veggies, eggs, pudding, the nostalgic Rations, and-

"_No way_! Capri Sun? _Strawberry Kiwi flavour?" _Snake broke character and grabbed a pouch like a little kid and hurriedly stuck the straw and sipped away. To bliss. _I'm coming back for chocolate pudding later. _He thought, with a smile on his face. He finished it and tossed the drink away in a nearby garbage pail. He resumed character and scouted the rest of the place.

_20 rooms in total. _

_Nearest exit in case of fire, the patio._

_Heater and central A/C work great._

_Ducts not big enough to fit. _

_Haven't seen any floating weapon cases…_

_I'm bunking the hammock. Forget spooning Meryl tonight._

…_This pudding is damn good._

Our out-of-sort hero has just finished his mental review of the place; and is in, what he assumes, the living room. Sitting at a table, off to a side of the room, enjoying his moment of peace, eating the hell out his third cup of chocolate pudding.

Too occupied in his moment, Meryl manages to sneak up on him…again.

"Gotcha!"

"Crap." Snake glanced over his shoulder and gave her a slight nod. "You're getting a little too good at that. And right now, I'm busy." At this, she quirked her eyebrow. Meryl came around the table and saw what Snake meant by "busy". Him, having a goofy grin while finishing the last of pudding bits in his cup. She bit her bottom lip and looked him straight in the eye. He came out of his trance and looked at her back.

"What?" He said with an innocent look.

"Oh, nothing." _This man is full of surprises._ She shook her head and smiled. "Sorry I took so long. I had to organize and get changed. By the way, while I was showering, did I hear music coming from out here?"

Now filled with innocent confusion, "What music? I didn't hear anything. You sure you heard right?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I could've sworn I heard the James Bond theme…." She pursed her lips. "Dave, you know this place is already safe. No need to double check it. Besides, you have your own theme song."

"I…didn't…You could never be too sure. It's now…safer than before. And what? Wait, isn't that 'Breaking the Fourth Wall'?"

She laughed. "Well, you do. Fine, just pretend I didn't say anything." She went back to the kitchen to grab something to eat.

Snake shook his head and got up to stretch. "Sooo. What do we have planned today?"

"Well, we could wait an hour or two and go swimming. I'm going to eat now and afterwards, we could go walk around." She said while making her sandwich. Snake nodded in agreement.

"We can watch T.V. for now. I bet you haven't watched—"

"—Only the news. Once in a while. You know, just in case…"

"Yeah, kinda figured. Well, we're not gonna watch that. Let's watch some unnecessary drama!" She said with a cheesy grin.

"Uh…" Snake watched Meryl hop over to the couch and patted the seat next to her. He took it wordlessly, still unsure of this sudden _girlyness_ he witnessed.

The T.V. screen flicked on and she instantly flipped through channels at lightning speeds. She finally stopped on _MTV_ and a familiar show was playing. She adjusted herself and started to eat her sandwich. "This show is so bogus but sadly addicting to watch."

A few minutes into the show, and Snake's eyebrow twitched. "What the hell…._Jersey Shore_? How long has this been on?"

"Oh, a few years…It's in the third season now. I was surprised they brought it back." She shook her head in amusement. "I'm gonna throw this away and make a quick phone call. Enjoy the show while I'm gone." She laughed as she got up and left Snake alone.

A scene came on with the crew at the club. Techno was playing low from the television speakers and the members of the show were _fist pumping._ Snake's expression became unreadable; his eyes grew cold. Something came over him, something weird and unknown. It was a command, and it demanded attention. It wanted his body to move. Without warning, he raised his fist, and executed the horrid dance move.

He came back to his usual self and blinked a few times. He noticed his stance and involuntary dance movement. Life soon escaped him once again and he screamed out in horror.

"THIS IS A SITUATION!"

* * *

*I know it seems a bit..._mushed_. I will clean it up next week. Bear with me, please D: *


End file.
